The Waste Patrol

John Fraim

12/7 on the Community Neighborhood website. “Happy holidays to all. It would be a little happier if all of us were a little more considerate of our neighbors. One of the things this involves is cleaning up after your dog in our parks. Hope all have a Merry Christmas. Carl.”

12/9 on the Community Neighborhood website. “It would be nice if people would clean up after their pets. I have noticed a few who do not clean up. Please be considerate of others. Carl.”

12/11 on the Community Neighborhood website. “I’ve seen little progress in cleaning up after pets. I am taking photos of violators. I know who you are!”

12/13 on the Community Neighborhood website. “You know who you are. You obnoxious idiot with the big black dog who refused to give me your name when I confronted you over the huge pile of poop in Maywood Park. I have photos and will post on social media if you don’t start cleaning up after your dog!!!”

12/15 on the Community Neighborhood website. “I can’t believe you did the same thing today with your dog. I’ve got lots of photos. I won’t apologize for shoving you around. You should be happy I didn’t take a swing at you. I was a former boxer in college. I won’t put up with this anymore. I’m posting your photo below and ask any people out there who know who you are to email me. You will not continue to get away with this.”

12/17 on the Community Neighborhood website. “I attended the City Council meeting last night and suggested new Pet Waste rules with severe fines imposed on citizens violating these rules. I had the photo of the perpetrator I took photos of blown up and mounted on posterboard and I showed the photo to City Council. No one seemed to know who it was. I suggested the city fund a Pet Waste Vigilante committee of concerned citizens like me who want to keep our town clean, safe and beautiful. I suggested the city purchase some high-power binoculars for those who live near our parks so they can monitor activities in the park. Besides this, I noted we all have cell phones today and need to take photos of neighbors violating. I volunteered my services to coordinate the battle against pet waste in our town. The Mayor and City Council agrees, and a vote is taken. I’m appointed the new director of the Citizens Pet Waste Committee for our town. The city will also post signs in all of our city parks noting that there is a three hundred dollar fine for those who do not pick up after their pets.”

12/25 voice recording into iPhone. “It’s early Christmas morning and snowing hard outside. It’s still dark outside when I drive my car to Maywood Park. The city has just placed a large sign on the entrance to Maywood Park announcing the three hundred-dollar fine for failure to pick up after your pets. I get out of my car and station myself in the park behind the large oak tree next to the bridge going over Maywood Creek. The new brown uniform the city purchased for me is a little tight and the Waste Committee logo on the left sleeve a little out of alignment. But this is fine. I’ve got the new camera with the big telephoto lens on it that the city purchased for me. It’s Christmas but still pets have to be taken out to do their thing. I wait for the SOB with the black dog today. He probably knows I’m here waiting for him and will probably have his dog do his business in some hidden part of the park. I’ll find him through and continue to post his photo on this site. Just like they used to post Wanted posters in the old west.”

12/25 voice recording into iPhone. “I’ve been here behind the oak tree for an hour now and the snow has let up and it has become light out. I scan the park with my binoculars looking for him. A number of people come and go with their dogs and they all use the little poop bags the city provides in the green metal waste boxes. These are the Good Citizens of our town and there is a place in heaven for them. Some kids go by on shiny new Christmas bikes. They see me behind the tree, and I think I frighten them as they quickly ride by and then give a quick glance back at me. This is OK though. I’m keeping their park safe for them. A clean place to ride their bikes. Even off the trails through the park.”

12/25 voice recording into iPhone. “It’s almost an hour and a half I’ve been here in the park on this Christmas day and still no sign of him. I get ready to go home. Then I see the old woman with the black dog. He is wearing a disguise to avoid recognition! The old woman lets the dog poop and then walks on. I never thought he would go this far but then who really knows about people like this who don’t clean up after their dogs. They are capable of anything. I put my iPhone in my pocket and walk out from behind the tree, the camera with the big telephoto lens dangling from the strap around my neck. I began walking towards the old woman with the dog. I know it has to be him. SOB. Thinks he can fool me with his disguise. As I get close, I pull out the taser I purchased on my own the other day. I approach the old woman from the back and suddenly a bunch of words come from me. Words that have built up in me over the past week or so. The old woman turns around and I fire the taser at her and she falls and shakes. Her dog stands looking at her with his leash still twisted in her hand. I bend over her/him. ‘Now you know I mean business!’ I scream at the person laying in the snow. There is no reaction, though. In the growing light I can see that it really is an older woman and not my Wanted guy suspect. She just lays there without moving or making a sound. Lays there in the clean soft new snow of Maywood Park. It is not my guy but another violator. Serves her right. People can learn these things even at an old age. I lean over and shake her but there is still no reaction. Her black dog whimpers. Ten feet away, his black mess stands out in the white snow like a Tarantula on a piece of angel food cake. I shake her more but there is no movement, and her skin begins to turn blue. I quickly look around to see if  there is anyone in the park. I can’t see anyone. I walk quickly away from her. The dog still whimpering. Then I run back to my car and drive home. My son’s family is there, and my grandchildren are opening presents. Everyone wants to know where I’ve been. Just tell them I went to the Golden Pancake House. This is believable as I’m always going to Golden Pancakes. While the kids open their presents, I wipe my iPhone clean of all of the recording I’ve done on it today in the park.”

12/28 on the Community Neighborhood website. “Hello all. Like everyone, I was saddened to hear about the passing of Mrs. Harrison in Maywood Park on Christmas Day. I have stepped forward to adopt her dog Spark and hopefully can give it a good home. As many are aware, fines are now imposed for not cleaning up after your dogs. Watch for me and Spark monitoring Maywood and our other city parks. I am out to make our parks safe for our children and beautiful for all of us. And, let this be a warning to the guy in the photo on the Wanted posters I’ve placed on trees around our parks. Your time is short! Carl.”

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